Leadership Flagship

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  • How to Make Friends as an Adult (Even If You’re an Introvert)

    How to Make Friends as an Adult (Even If You’re an Introvert)

    KARA CUTRUZZULA

    “Oh, my friend told me about that new restaurant!”
    “My friend works there—you should definitely meet her!”
    “Let me connect you with my friend…”

    I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I use the phrase “my friend” probably more than any other words in the English language. (Maybe I should switch to “mi amiga”?)

    Now, I don’t think it’s because I’m name-dropping—although, maybe?—but usually, it’s because I’m surrounded by smart and interesting people and want to introduce them to each other.

    Because of this, someone recently described me as a “people person.” Ha! I laughed. I’m actually not! In fact, I’m an introvert, and I’m usually perfectly content to spend time on my own—but if I can make a bunch of friends, then so can you.

    Not gonna lie: It’s difficult to create and maintain friendships, especially when you’re no longer in school, huddled together in classrooms and dorms with people who are around your same age and have similar interests.

    Going to events with a bunch of strangers—which is usually how people advise you to make friends—can be nerve-wracking, especially if you’re super worried about first impressions.

    Going to events with a bunch of strangers—which is usually how people advise you to make friends—can be nerve-wracking.
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    And yet, there are so many others who feel the same way. They also want someone to text “Wanna see Crazy Rich Asians for the third time?” or swap workplace horror stories. You just need to know where to find them—and how to spark a quick friendship that lasts.

    Here are some tactics that have worked for me:

    friends 11. Trust: People Like You More Than You Think

    A new study published in the journal Psychological Science found that after a first impression, people often like you much more than you think.

    As reported by TIME, the experiment put together two strangers who had a conversation—afterward, they rated each other and themselves about whether they were likable or enjoyable to talk to. Most people rated their conversation partners much higher than they did themselves. Bottom line: We tend to underestimate how much another person likes us when we first meet them, and researchers call this the “liking gap.”

    “We don’t know what other people are thinking, and so we substitute our own thoughts about ourselves for what other people think,” said Gus Cooney, a social psychologist at Harvard University and co-author of the paper. “We’re basically projecting what we think of our own performance, and assume that’s what other people think of us.”

    We tend to underestimate how much another person likes us when we first meet them, and researchers call this the ‘liking gap.’
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    But so often that’s not true! And while you might walk away thinking “Why’d I share that pointless story? Now they never want to talk again,” the other person is probably, well, not too concerned about it.

    “That little voice in your head turns on, and you start thinking about your conversation,” Cooney told TIME. “Be suspicious of this voice and its accuracy.”

    Instead of focusing on how you think you’re doing in a conversation, put the focus on the other person—and remember that they’re having a better time than you might imagine.

    2. Play to Your Strengths

    If going to a crowded bar with a big group makes you cringe, don’t do it! Instead, think about situations where you feel like your best self. Maybe it’s sipping coffee during a one-on-one afternoon chat, or maybe it’s going for a jog around your local park.

    Rather than putting yourself in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation and hoping you feel calm and cool, work on incorporating new friendships into activities you already do.

    Work on incorporating new friendships into activities you already do.
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    When I first started running, I always went solo. What if we don’t run at the same pace? What if they see what a sweaty monster I am? How can you even talk while running anyway? But after I signed up for a group running class, I had no choice. Turns out doing something you love—with other people who love it, too—is a fast way to cement a quick bond.

    3. Loosen Your Definition of ‘Friend’

    Not all friends are going to have known you for decades, or be able to remember that time when 13-year-old you laughed so hard Diet Dr. Pepper came out of your nose. (And that’s probably a good thing.)

    That’s why I play really fast-and-loose with the word “friend.”

    Did we share a great chat at a group dinner? Were we introduced over email by a mutual friend but never met in person? Do we comment on each others’ Instagrams all the time? Boom! We’re friends.

    An acquaintance is so formal. If you like someone—and they seem to like you back then you’re already friends.

    4. Talk About What Lights You Up

    When you do meet someone out and about, consider the topics you choose to introduce to the conversation. Do you really want to lead with “the subway was a nightmare today” and “oh my gosh, why won’t this rain ever stop?”

    Instead, focus on things that make you feel positive and happy and generous. It’s much easier to bond with someone if your meet-cute doesn’t start with complaints about work or your relationship.

    And don’t forget to ask questions. One of my go-tos is to throw out, “What are you doing that’s exciting you right now?”

    Try asking: ‘What are you doing that’s exciting you right now?’
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    Maybe they’ll start talking about work or their new pottery class. Whatever it is, I assure you, they will be engaged.

    5. Seek Out Your Kindred Spirits

    friends in later lifeJoining groups and taking classes are tried-and-true friendship creators. In the past year, I’ve made new friends in my running group, at a playwriting class, attending a theater workshop—and, perhaps most easily, online!

    Even if you don’t live in a giant city teeming with opportunities to find like-minded people, you can still find those individuals through social media.

    I once wrote a story about inspiring women runners on Instagram and followed all of their online accounts because of it. Now, having watched their journeys and races and “liked” countless posts, I feel like we’ve been friends forever.

    The world doesn’t have to be a lonely place. You can make connections everywhere you look—whether it’s IRL or in the DMs—as long as you keep looking.

  • 10 Ways to Be a Better Speaker and Listener

    10 Ways to Be a Better Speaker and Listener

    Article by Nido Qubein

    There are two sides to every conversation, and both are essential to the art of communication.

    So, how are your conversation skills? Think about it: Are you a smooth talker, or do you ramble? Are you an attentive listener, or do you tend to interrupt?

    Here’s how to master the art of conversation—both sides of it:

    When it’s your turn to talk…

     

    1. Get your thinking straight.

    The most common source of confusing messages is muddled thinking. We have an idea we haven’t thought through. Or we have so much we want to say that we can’t possibly say it. Or we have an opinion that is so strong we can’t keep it in. As a result, we are ill-prepared when we speak, and we confuse everyone. The first rule of plain talk, then, is to think before you say anything. Organize your thoughts.

     

    2. Say what you mean.

    Say exactly what you mean.

    3. Get to the point.

    Effective communicators don’t beat around the bush. If you want something, ask for it. If you want someone to do something, say exactly what you want done.

    4. Be concise.

    Don’t waste words. Confusion grows in direct proportion to the number of words used. Speak plainly and briefly, using the shortest, most familiar words.

    5. Be real.

    Each of us has a personality—a blending of traits, thought patterns and mannerisms—which can aid us in communicating clearly. For maximum clarity, be natural and let the real you come through. You’ll be more convincing and much more comfortable.

    6. Speak in images.

    The cliché that “a picture is worth a thousand words” isn’t always true. But words that help people visualize concepts can be tremendous aids in communicating a message.

    But talking, or sending messages, is only half the process. To be a truly accomplished communicator, you must also know how to listen, or receive messages.

    If you’re approaching a railroad crossing around a blind curve, you can send a message with your car horn. But that’s not the most important part of your communication task. The communication that counts takes place when you stop, look and listen—a useful admonition for conversation, too.

    When it’s your turn to listen…

     

    1. Do it with thought and care.

    Listening, like speaking and writing, requires genuine interest and attention. If you don’t concentrate on listening, you won’t learn much, and you won’t remember much of what you do learn. Most of us retain only 25 percent of what we hear—so if you can increase your retention and your comprehension, you can increase your effectiveness.

    Most of us retain only 25 percent of what we hear.

    A sign on the wall of Lyndon Johnson’s Senate office put it in a down-to-earth way: “When you’re talking, you ain’t learning.”

    2. Use your eyes.

    If you listen only with your ears, you’re missing out on much of the message. Good listeners keep their eyes open while listening. Look for feelings. The face is an eloquent communication medium—learn to read its messages.

    While the speaker is delivering a verbal message, the face can be saying, “I’m serious,” “Just kidding,” “It pains me to be telling you this,” or “This gives me great pleasure.”

    3. Observe these nonverbal signals when listening to people:

     

    ●︎ Rubbing one eye. When you hear “I guess you’re right,” and the speaker is rubbing one eye, guess again. Rubbing one eye often is a signal that the speaker is having trouble inwardly accepting something.

    ●︎ Tapping feet. When a statement is accompanied by foot-tapping, it usually indicates a lack of confidence in what is being said.

    ●︎ Rubbing fingers. When you see the thumb and forefinger rubbing together, it often means that the speaker is holding something back.

    ●︎ Staring and blinking. When you see the other person staring at the ceiling and blinking rapidly, the topic at hand is under consideration.

    ●︎ Crooked smiles. Most genuine smiles are symmetrical. And most facial expressions are fleeting. If a smile is noticeably crooked, you’re probably looking at a fake one.

    ●︎ Eyes that avoid contact. Poor eye contact can be a sign of low self-esteem, but it can also indicate that the speaker is not being truthful.

    It would be unwise to make a decision based solely on these visible signals, but they can give you valuable tips on the kind of questions to ask and the kind of answers to be alert for.

    4. Make things easy.

    People who are poor listeners will find few who are willing to come to them with useful information. Good listeners make it easy on those to whom they want to listen. They make it clear that they’re interested in what the other person has to say.

    This article originally appeared on SUCCESS.com.

     

    Related: 9 Tips to Say It Better

    Related: 6 Tips to Rule the Art of Conversation

    Related: 8 Ways to Master the Art of Communication

  • 13 Things That Don’t Determine Your Self-Worth

    13 Things That Don’t Determine Your Self-Worth

    STEPHANIE JADE WONG

    ”Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” – UnknownFor years, I’ve wondered about my worth.

    It all started after I watched the movie The Joy Luck Club. In one scene, the mother tells her daughter a story about worth. The mother explains, “My mother not know her worth until too late; too late for her, but not for me. Now, we will see if too late for you, hmm?”

    The movie made me think: How do I know my worth, and how do I know it before it’s too late?

    Do You Know Your Worth?

    Self-worth is how you value yourself. It’s not based on what others think of you or the things you have (or haven’t) accomplished—it comes from within. But it’s easy to forget that our worth isn’t determined by outside forces.

    In an article for Psychology Today, Amy Morin, L.C.S.W., a psychotherapist, explains that we constantly measure our worth, but we’re often not aware of how we do it. Sometimes it’s by our careers, our appearance, other times by our relationship—she compares this method to measuring our height with a random stick.

    We constantly measure our worth, but we’re often not aware of how we do it.

    “When it comes to measuring self-worth, many people use something just as unreliable as a random stick,” Morin writes. “You may not even consciously think about what type of stick you use to measure your self-worth. But it’s likely that, deep down, you know. After all, when you feel like you’re measuring up, you feel good about yourself. But when you feel as though you’ve fallen short, your self-esteem likely plummets.”

    So often, the “stick” we’re using to measure our worth exists outside our control. We measure our worth based on the X’s on our to-do list, the number of matches on a dating app, the likes on our latest Instagram post, the promotions we receive—the list goes on and on. We tend to notice how our sense of self-worth affects us (aka those “I’m not good enough” feelings), but we rarely stop and think about how we’re doing our calculations.

    We notice how our sense of self-worth affects us, but we rarely stop and think about how we’re doing our calculations.

    How we measure our worth affects the kind of life we live, according to Morin. And when we let other people and things determine our worth? It sets us up for a rollercoaster of emotions. That’s why the best “measuring stick” we can use is one that we control.

    “Use a measuring stick based on factors you can control—not the external events in your life,” Morin says. “When you know who you are—and you’re pleased with the person you’ve become—you’ll experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs. You’ll believe in yourself regardless of whether you’ve been fired, gone through a divorce, or failed to get a promotion.”

    “When you know who you are—and you’re pleased with the person you’ve become—you’ll experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs.”~ Amy Morin

    I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I’m a people pleaser, and I let that determine my worth for the longest time. I always felt like I had to prove myself as worthy of everyone for everything. I did things that made others happier than it made me. I did this so often that I lost track of what I valued.

    Thankfully, I recently realized that this “measuring stick” set me up for disappointment. I decided that what made me happy mattered more than pleasing others. I’m still a work in progress, but I now try to measure my self-worth based on my own sense of self rather than how other people perceive me. It’s a tactic Morin suggests, too.

    “Instead of chasing things that temporarily boost your self-esteem, measure your self-worth by who you are at your core,” she writes.

    When you need a reminder to detach yourself from other self-worth “measuring sticks,” here are 13 things that don’t determine your value in this world.

    13 Things That Don’t Determine Your Self-Worth

    1. Your To-Do List

    Crossing off items on your to-do list is a satisfying feeling, but you can’t let the number of things you crossed off your list (or the number of things you don’t) control your worth.

    “While it’s normal to feel proud of your accomplishments, basing your entire self-worth on your achievement is like building a house on an unsteady foundation,” Morin writes. “You’ll need to experience constant success to feel good about yourself—and that means you’ll likely avoid doing things where you could fail.”

    2. Your Job

    No matter the type of job you have or how much you love (or hate) it, your job doesn’t define who you are as a person.

    3. Your Social Media Following

    So what if you don’t have a million Insta followers or Twitter retweets? In this digital world, it can feel like that number determines your value, but you’re more complex than what anyone can see on a screen.

    4. Your Age

    Speaking of numbers, your age is just a number. Some people may say you’re too young or too old, but that’s just who you are at the moment, so just be.

    5. Your Appearance

    If you want to change the way you look, do it for you. But know that your physical appearance shouldn’t define how worthy you are. “A beautiful body or a handsome face won’t last forever,” Morin writes. “Hair loss, wrinkles, and a middle-age spread can feel catastrophic for someone whose self-worth depends on their physical appearance.”

    6. Other People

    I’m guilty of comparing myself to others who have the same job title as me and others my age. But I’ve learned I have to manifest in my own lane—and so should you.

    Manifest in your own lane.

    You do you. Let them do them. Sometimes others may pass you on this road called life and that’s OK. We’re all traveling at different speeds.

    7. How Far You Can Run

    Ever tell yourself you’ll run a mile and then beat yourself up when you weren’t able to? It happens, but know that your worth comes from trying at all, not how quickly you crush a goal.

    8. Your Grades

    Maybe tests freak you out or school is just really difficult. Your grades don’t determine your intelligence, and they don’t measure things like your dedication and integrity.

    9. The Number of Friends You Have

    The more friends the merrier? Sometimes. But whether you have a ton of friends or just a couple, what matters is how you treat one another and if you can turn to them in times of need.

    10. Your Relationship Status

    Single schmingle. It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love or of being loved—it means you’re doing you and focusing on loving yourself.

    11. The Money (or Lack Thereof) in the Bank

    Whether you’re a billionaire or don’t have much in your wallet, the amount of money you have or are making doesn’t define your worth. “Going deep into debt to create a façade of wealth backfires in the end because while goods and services have monetary value, they don’t reflect your value as a human being,” Morin writes.

    12. Your Likes

    I’m not talking about Facebook likes, but your personal likes, such as your taste in music or movies. Like what you like, whether it may be considered “high art” or “low art.”

    13. Anything or Anyone But Yourself

    Bottom line: Your worth is entirely up to you. You are worthy because you say you’re worthy and because you believe it. Look within, and trust that you are enough.

  • The Four Words That Are Even More Powerful Than “I Love You”

    The Four Words That Are Even More Powerful Than “I Love You”

    By Allison Task

    The witching hour began around 5 p.m. each day. I had two hands and three babies: twin 18-month-old boys and an infant daughter, all of whom were perpetually in the throes of a crisis, fall, or unpredictable bowel movement. My husband would be coming home from a new job and a three-hour round-trip commute, and my stepdaughter would be rolling in from middle school with teenage needs. They were always walking into a war zone.

    I didn’t need to chitchat and be asked, “How was your day?” I didn’t need “I love you” either, or even “Thanks for all you’re doing.” I needed the person to walk through the door, roll up their sleeves, survey the situation, and pitch in. I needed help, stat.

    So how could I get my fellow soldiers up to speed quickly and help me where the crisis was most intense? I needed them to be ready, and I needed to communicate the plan. So I asked my husband and stepdaughter to ask me the following as soon as they walked through the door: “How can I help?”

    Four small, powerful words. They moved us immediately into collaboration, into a place of teamwork. It was the fastest way to integrate them into the moment and get the help I needed. They were no longer observers of crisis; they were EMTs, and we were moving to the next step, side by side.

    Soldiers, emergency room doctors, and anyone else who deals in crisis has a shorthand for “I’m here; put me to work where you need me most.” I had spent years working in restaurants, and I knew what it felt like to be deep in the weeds—and more importantly, how to help a fellow chef out of the weeds. I had regularly appeared on live TV, and I had seen network crews do a form of this as well.

    Now that I was in caregiver mode, I was always responding to what everyone else needed—or anticipating the needs of those who couldn’t speak. What I needed was someone to help me.

    As soon as my husband and stepdaughter started using the mantra (and following up on the request that was made), that pile of dishes in the sink, that dirty diaper that needed to be changed, that hungry child who wanted a snack—suddenly, those to-do items were crossed off my list, lightening my mental load. I had less weight to carry.

    In the spring of 2017, a cartoonist named Emma wrote an illustrated story about the “mental load,” the implicit project management work that lands in the lap of (typically female) primary caregivers. This resonated globally, and soon the phrase “mental load” was plastered across social media, everywhere.

    “How can I help?” doesn’t solve the mental load, but it acknowledges the role of the caregiver as the team leader and the other adults in the home as part of the team. Someone’s gotta quarterback the logistics of children. But the same person can’t be the quarterback and the receiver. “How can I help?” enables you to quarterback and creates a domestic culture of receivers ready for the pass, prepared to complete the play.

    It’s never too early to start delegating work to others. Kelli DeFlora, the owner of Montclair B.A.B.Y., a birth, advocacy, breastfeeding, and yoga center in Montclair, New Jersey, recommends having a list on the fridge as soon as the baby is born. “There’s always laundry to do, dishes to wash, and meals to make. When well-intentioned friends and relatives come through the door, you can say that the best way they can help is to take an item from the list and cross it off when it’s done,” says DeFlora.

    “I see too many parents these days who try to do everything for their child, and disable them in the process,” says Peter Della Bella, M.D., a psychiatrist and New York University child psychiatry professor. Dr. Della Bella supports the “How can I help?” approach to family problem-solving. “Younger children, especially, are put in the position of being active participants, having to reflect, and having to work with someone to identify and solve problems. Arguably, problem-solving skills are the best skills parents can engender in a child.”

    If you’d like to implement “How can I help?” in your home, try these techniques to make it part of your family fabric:

    1. Connect with your partner purposefully about roles in the home. Clarify who is taking primary responsibility for home care, childcare, finances, food, etc. Get clear about who is the lead on what.
    2. Share this article with your partner. Confirm that you’re both interested in using this technique.
    3. Have each project lead identify the trouble spots (or witching hours) in their role. When do they feel like they’re getting pulled into the weeds? Are there specific times of day, of the month, of the year, when the responsibility starts to get stressful?
    4. Role model “How can I help?” Now that you know where your partner needs help, say the words. Role model this behavior for your children if they are old enough. Find opportunities to use it on a daily basis: navigating out of traffic, spilled milk, sharing the laundry folding, etc. “How can I help?” can fast be applied in almost any tense scenario or moment of conflict.
    5. If help isn’t coming, ask for it directly. Say, “I need your help.” Pause for a positive response, connect for a second, then delegate. Have a follow-up, and give positive feedback if it worked.

    Can you imagine your partner, family, and friends walking through the door during the witching hour, asking what needs to be done, and then doing it? On the regular?

    It’s the greatest phrase since “I love you,” and I say greater because the “I love you” is implied. And too it is an added “I got your back,” “We’re in this together,” and of course, “This is our family.

    ”

  • Best Practices to Increase Your Mental Strength

    Best Practices to Increase Your Mental Strength

    There are so many different forms of meditation ranging from mandala coloring patterns to mindfulness of breathing. With so many available forms and so many sources of information, there is something for everyone. The benefits of meditating are endless. Post-meditation, you are in a calm, relaxed state – but also refreshed and ready for the day. Joy Rains, author of Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind, explains how meditation helps improve your focus by using an analogy to a car: 
     
    “Essentially, it’s like you’re taking your mind out of drive and shifting it to neutral – again and again and again, sometimes as often as every second or two. Just as the repetitive motion of doing abdominal crunches builds core strength, this continual shift of awareness helps build your mind’s muscle.”
     
    Meditation does not suppress your thoughts, but helps you become more aware and enlightened through another point of focus, depending on which type of meditation you choose.

    2. Let go of negative thoughts



    A vital step in increasing your mental strength, is letting go of all negativity.

    Inner Wisdom Coach, Jackie Fletcher, stresses the importance of letting go of negative thoughts through self-realization: “It’s about being aware of the state of our mind, and understanding that we live life from the inside out, not from outside in. When we truly understand that we create our experience of life through our thinking, then we have hope that we can deal with any situation, and that increases our mental strength.“

    3. Set Daily Goals


    Research has shown that setting controllable and realistic goals on a daily basis can help an athlete to their ultimate, larger goal. Sport & Performance Psychologist, Chris Carr, explains that you should always “Know what outcome you want to achieve, and the process to get there. Setting daily goals can help you achieve that.” Setting goals will help you have a focused mindset each day. 

    4. Work on relationships

    Many people believe that getting rid of toxic friendships is the best way to clear your mind and strengthen your mentality. Author, Carrie Aulenbacher, suggests that we don’t take the easy route and “avoid the temptation of ditching irritating friendships and work extra hard to understand the frustrating people of life.” Although this can be difficult at times, it can help you to understand how other people work and bring you another level of mental strength. 

    5. Pay attention to your diet


    What you eat directly affects how you feel. If you notice that you feel particularly bad (physically or mentally) after eating something and it happens multiple times – take note. It is worth seeing if it is an allergy, intolerance, or bigger issue.

     

    Clinical Ayurvedic Specialist, Viji Natarajan, says that “According to Ayurveda,

    our health begins in the gut.” We feel our emotions through our digestive system, “So, at the very least, maintaining your gut health will be really important and does affect our mental health and strength.” Paying attention to how foods affect you and changing your diet accordingly will help your mental strength by improving your gut health.